


Torn in Two

by ceruleyana



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Gen, Post-Battle of Five Armies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25329859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceruleyana/pseuds/ceruleyana
Summary: Bilbo struggles with his emotions towards Thorin after the battle, and Gandalf gives him a bit of a nudge.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Torn in Two

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Angst train, anyone? 
> 
> This fic was based off of a post I made on Tumblr about Bilbo not forgiving Thorin easily. Hope you all enjoy!

Bilbo looked on, tears threatening to flood his eyes, as Thorin had been picked up by on of the Eagles, hopefully to safety. He wished to go with them, to make sure that Thorin will, in fact, live, yet the Eagle had already flown away, bringing with it a body that barely clung to life.

"Bilbo!"

Bilbo wiped away the tears forming in his eyes as Dwalin approached him, looking tired but hale.

"What happened?"

"Thorin. Eagles. Blood." Bilbo felt numb as the world seemed to crash around him in symphony with the sounds of fighting and death.

"Thorin- he's...?" Dwalin looked pained when he spoke, and Bilbo imagined that he felt the same way he did, full of dread and worry.

Bilbo shrugged, not knowing what to say. All he could do was hope.

"Right."

And so Bilbo and Dwalin, along with Fili and Kili who they found amidst the fighting, made their way down to Ravenhill, fighting off a multitude of orcs. Well, Dwalin, Fili, and Kili did most of the fighting, but Bilbo's Sting did pierce through Orc hide that day. He still did not know how to feel about that, but the thought was overwhelmed by that of Thorin dying, so he kept fighting.

A few days had passed since the battle, yet there was still no news about Thorin. Bilbo fiddled with the acorn in his hands, longing for the gentle warmth of the sun that had eluded them since that day. He had hoped that clinging to that piece of life would remove the memory of his hands being covered with Thorin's blood, yet it lingered in his mind.

Bilbo looked up at the sound of Balin walking towards him, smiling and with tears in his eyes.

"Lad, he is awake." Balin shook his head in relief and grinned. "He wants to see you."

Upon hearing those words, Bilbo felt attacked by a multitude of emotions. Relief and joy, that Thorin still lived, yet there was also dread, though he could not figure out why.

He clutched the acorn in his hand and nodded at Balin who walked with him towards the healing tent where Thorin resided.

"He is considered by the healers to be lucky. Had the Eagle carried him to the Elven camp been a bit slower, it would have been too late and we would have lost our king." Balin said, sounding tired yet jovial.

Bilbo grimaced in response, still pondering on the dread that he felt which got heavier and heavier the nearer they got to Thorin.

"Well," Balin said, opening the flap of the tent. "I'll leave you to it." He finished with a wink.

Bilbo tried a smile which felt flat, and he entered. In the middle of the tent, there lay Thorin, wrapped in bandages and smelled of numerous herbs.

Bilbo approached tentatively, the dread making him feel knots build up in his stomach. "Thorin."

Thorin, in turn, smiled at him so bright as though he were the sun. "Master Baggins."

It truly was a relief to see Thorin alive and awake, so far from the pale visage that he had in Ravenhill, soaked in his own blood. Yet... yet something felt wrong within him. He felt himself tense at seeing Thorin smile. He tried to push down his thoughts and once again tried a smile which turned out more to be a grimace.

Thorin chuckled. "I imagine the smell is not very flattering, yet it must remain so for I need the herbs to heal."

"Of- of course." Bilbo was surprised to hear his voice, his throat feeling like it was dry and tight.

"Master Baggins, I am glad that you are here, and that you seem in good health. You are free to go about your way without this pungent odor." Thorin wrinkled his nose and waved his hand, wincing in pain from the movement.

He raised his hand and placed it on Bilbo's neck. Bilbo, startled by the sudden movement and the feel of a rough hand, flinched, shaking off Thorin from him. Bilbo froze as Thorin stared at him, surprised by Bilbo's reaction.

"I- I need to go." Bilbo said, frazzled. "Things to do, you see. It's good to see you awake."

He walked away from Thorin and the healing tent without looking back.

Bilbo felt adrift the longer he stayed near the Lonely Mountain. He felt utterly exhausted from helping the healers in any way that he can. Sleep did not come easy despite the exhaustion. His dreams were filled with memories that he would prefer to forget - the feel of hands on his neck, voices that joined with the dragon's forming something altogether monstrous, the image of Thorin's lifeless form. All three plagued his dreams, leaving him restless and tense.

Thorin still sought him out, calling those of the Company to tell him to visit. He put on his ring whenever he heard their voices looking for him. It was cowardly, yet he did not have the strength to face Thorin again.

Bilbo began walking towards his quarters, stomach full from eating dinner. It wasn't the seven meals he was used to but he found it harder to complain these days. As he walked, he heard a voice call out to him, and he tensed, fearing it was one of the Company.

"Bilbo Baggins!" Sighing in relief, Bilbo turned around to see Gandalf approaching him. "Keeping yourself busy?"

"Well, it seems everyone is in need of some form of help here, so..." Bilbo spread his arms, gesturing at the people around them going about their night.

"Indeed." Gandalf had a small frown as he peered down at Bilbo. "Are you alright, Bilbo? You look rather pale."

"Oh, it's nothing, Gandalf." Bilbo let out a breathy laugh. "Just tired, that's all."

"I heard Thorin was looking for you, and you seem to be avoiding him." Gandalf raised his eyebrow at Bilbo who gritted his teeth.

"I'm not avoiding him. I'm just really busy." Even to Bilbo, the denial sounded forced, and he winced.

"Too busy to visit a friend?" Gandalf had something in his eyes that resembled pity, and Bilbo rather resented him for it. "Or perhaps there is something else about Thorin Oakenshield that haunts you?"

"I..." Is there? Bilbo stared at the ground, feeling anger at... something he didn't know. Whether it was at the world, at Gandalf, or at Thorin himself, he couldn't figure out, but he felt it strangling him. "I flinched when he touched me."

Gandalf said nothing, only tilting his head for Bilbo to continue.

"I don't know why I flinched. I'm not- I'm not scared of Thorin. I never have been. Not even when he-" Bilbo clenched his fists at the memory. "I don't know, Gandalf. This seems too big a problem for a hobbit to bear."

"You haven't forgiven him." Gandalf said plainly, and Bilbo stared at him, disbelieving.

"I have! I told him so at Ravenhill. He was dying, Gandalf, and I couldn't bear the thought of it." Bilbo clenched his jaw, the pressure giving him a headache.

"I've forgiven him. It wasn't his fault." He whispered, as though trying to convince himself.

"Oh, Bilbo. Life is not as simple as that, I'm afraid." Gandalf leaned down and put a comforting hand on Bilbo's shoulder. "You can care about someone and not forgive them instantly. What you have both been through is rather terrible, and you should not expect to come out of it so easily."

"But I forgave him, Gandalf." Bilbo said, desperate. "In Ravenhill, I meant what I said. I felt it."

"You thought he was dying, Bilbo." Gandalf shook his head. "It is easier to forgive the dead their actions. They no longer have the power to hurt you."

Bilbo said nothing and simply stared at the Lonely Mountain which towered over all of them. After a few moments, he finally had the strength to ask. "What do I do now?"

"Ah, that is up to you, my dear fellow." Gandalf smiled in sympathy. "You can either walk away from this place, and leave all of it behind, both bitter memories and dear friends, or you could stay and try to mend what has been broken."

"What _should_ I do?" Bilbo looked lost.

"That is entirely up to you, Bilbo." Gandalf looked up at the mountain looming over them. "I will not judge you for what decision you make, but do know that the Company would feel your loss should you decide to go, Thorin most of all."

"Thank you, Gandalf." Bilbo let out a wry smile which Gandalf returned.

Bilbo climbed up the stone steps up to the hidden door, where he knew no one would be around. He leaned against where the door should be and stared up at the night sky, the moon bright and whole.

He took out the acorn from his pocket, already slightly battered from all that it had been through. He remembered the look on Thorin's face when he saw the acorn, a memory that he truly cherished, a light against the cacophony of dark.

He knew three things.

One, it really wasn't Thorin's fault. He was sick, after all. His kin couldn't get through to him, and neither could he for all that he tried, yet he felt that he truly wasn't to blame.

Two, despite knowing it, it hurt. It hurt to know that Thorin valued a stone over his life, even if it was the sickness. It hurt to realize that the person you trusted was capable of hurting you, of killing you. He could never forget the feel of Thorin's rough hands on his neck. It is a memory that will live within him perhaps to his dying day.

Three, he still cared about Thorin. He still treasured his rare smiles and casual touches. He didn't simply just wanted Thorin to live, he wished for his happiness most of all. He felt that he, of all people, deserved it.

Yet he didn't know what he should do next. He looked up at the moon, searching for answers and found none. He felt torn in two.

He stayed near the hidden door until the moon faded away and the sun took its place. He still had no answers, yet he felt he must be honest with himself and Thorin. He had a right to know how he felt, and deserved more than Bilbo hiding away from him.

And what comes next, comes next.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this has a bit of a semblance to my other fic, Bound Letters, except this Bilbo still has not decided on what to do, to stay or to go. I feel that in Bound Letters, Bilbo had a bit of a better grasp of his feelings and chose to act on it immediately while this Bilbo is more lost and weighed his options more. A bit braver, a bit more steady.


End file.
